For starters, all these movies are way too long. There is so much unnecessary stuff in there, stuff that adds nothing at all to the movie. They could have cut this to under an hour and not lost anything. The first hour of the movie is Shia Labuff (or whatever his name is) complaining about how he isn’t appreciated and trying to find a job. Every once in a while, for good measure, they’d cut to a transformer doing something. Once the movie finally picks up, it doesn’t matter anymore because all I care about is whether Shia will finally get the respect and job he deserves.
The hardest thing to watch about this movie is the comic relief, which is spewed out constantly and never works. Shia's (I'm just going to call him Shia because I don't care what his character's name is) parents are the worst. They show up in their RV about 30 minutes into the movie and are supposed to make me laugh by making blunt statements about Shia’s character. Everything they say just reminds me how ridiculous and sad this movie is. They're right about everything, and not in a funny way.
The fact that Shia has managed to land another over-the-top, skanky girlfriend who is supposed to be super-hot is to be expected. But the fact that they’ve populated this world with supermodels all over the place is a bit much. There isn’t one unattractive, or even average-looking female in this entire movie outside of Shia’s mom and Francis McDormand (by the way, how they managed to get such a great cast to be in the crap is beyond me, but more on that later).
Another problem is that this movie is constantly jumping back-and-forth between making fun of itself, and then expecting us to take it seriously by playing an emotional U2 song while the transformers destroy the world or Shia can’t get anyone to respect him. One minute it’s Austin Powers, the next it’s Baywatch. Neither one is anything I really want to spend time watching. There’s so much annoying comic relief here that I’m hoping the evil transformers (I don’t care to remember what they’re actually called) win and the movie ends sooner. A nice bonus would be Shia getting cut in half to guarantee that he’s not back for the next sequel.
The cast includes some brilliant actors, including John Turturro, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, and the always hilarious Ken Jeong (has he worn out his welcome yet? I don’t think so). Why they all decided to do this movie is beyond me (with the exception of Jeong, who will do anything, and be awesome in it). Turturro was the best part of the first two movies, and is again here, but that’s not saying much. Did none of them read this 500-page script? Or do they just not care anymore? I guess the fact that the cast also includes Shia, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Patrick Dempsey, some super-model that plays Shia’s girlfriend, and Bill O’Reilly kind of balances things out.
The fact that this movie did not get a zero on every movie rating website disturbs me. I’d like to close with a review from "dBoy" that I found on metacritic.com, which reads:
“You better start looking for the red carpet leading to the Oscars because Transformers is sure going to be at it's TECHNICAL end. Michael Bay, with all his grace, delivers one of his finest peaces of contemporary cinema up to date. You wouldn't believe it without seeing it. Close to the end of the film, my friend sitting next to me turned at me and whispered: "This is beyond Blockbuster madness". And it made sens. What Bay and his team have achieved is beyond conventional summer movie making. The crafting here is so perfect and detailed that it pushes and redefines the boundaries of film making. From the chilling sound design, to the godlike visual effects, and perfect attention to detail from Bay's part when choosing his shots. It's an honest work that re establishes what fun is all about when the lights dim down and the screen springs to life. Just... Have fun and don't pay attention to all those lifeless critics who's conceptual fun is merely based on egocentric shallow intellectual show off and pragmatic dismissing of Bay's work. Criticising his editing and shot compositions which are, to a large extent, unique, but welcome.…”
Thanks “dBoy,” for making my point for me.
The verdict: Abstain (don’t waste your time or money on this movie).
Editor’s note: I feel asleep at about the 1 hour, 25 minute mark, so I probably only saw about 1/3 of this movie. I assume it ends with the good transformers killing the evil transformers and involves Shia running in slow-motion somehow.